i was hospitalized earlier this month. because i had a fever that would come and go, but wouldn’t quite go away entirely. the doctors couldn’t find out what was wrong with me.

it is scary: there’s something wrong with you, but the doctors cannot figure out what it is. unable to name “it”, to be able to tell people what “it” is, or more importantly, to know what to do about “it”.

the diagnosis: a “fever of unknown origin”. and therefore i got tested and tested and tested, for all kinds of things. process of elimination. mostly blood tests (confession: i am afraid of needles), x-rays of my lungs, and other tests, some more intrusive than others.

doctors still haven’t found the cause of the fever. but my body responded to the mix of antibiotics they gave me. meaning the antibiotics managed to keep the fever under control. meaning it was probably some bacterial infection, rather than … cancer or something else. that’s a good thing.

a few thoughts and observations:

being hospitalized as a patient feels like being a plant, kind of. the doctor asks you questions and you answer. the nurse comes to take blood and you give it (sometimes at like 2am). you are given food and you eat it. when you try to ask a question, the doctor will of course answer it. but it is also clear that this is not something the doctor has a lot of time for. there are a lot of other patients waiting for her. and you meet a barrage of staff, nurses, doctors that come and go. over time, you will get to know them a little bit better, but in the beginning it’s mostly a blur.

being hospitalized with (seven) other patients in a room, can be really intense. my fellow patients were men, really old, in a lot of pain, often immobile, often unable to eat and thus fed through a nose tube, and often unable to go to the toilet and thus had diapers and other means of relieving themselves. because they were often in pain, they would compete for attention, sometimes wailing, sometimes howling, sometimes screaming, sometimes moaning, sometimes whimpering. sometimes you’d hear a sound coming from the other end of the ward and you’d go wide eyed and be like “… holy shit what was that?” sleeping at night wasn’t always easy.

my friends would ask, why don’t you put on your headphones? but certain things or activities felt inappropriate. i would use my phone, and sometimes read on my kindle, but most other activities felt strange and out of place. you’re in this place where everyone around you is suffering and in pain; are you really going to watch some youtube video or listen to your favorite songs? there is a kind of heaviness, soberness, intensity to being hospitalized, i guess.

being hospitalized also meant being close to death. you get to know your fellow patients around you, you talk to their family and friends who visit them, sometimes when they scream for help and no one comes helping them, you help them get help, and then one day, their bed is suddenly empty. you’re quiet for a few seconds; you hope they are someplace happy, pain free and at peace.

being hospitalized means being super appreciative of things you take for granted. slippers, because it meant i could get up, walk around. big deal. but i had to tell myself, be glad you can do this. because being a patient also meant that at some point you lose interest and appetite in a lot of things. you become passive, in taking care of yourself, in getting up to do anything. but then i would look around, and i reminded myself that i should be grateful, that i could get up and take a piss, that i could eat the food myself.

small things that saved my life: phone charger, slippers, wet napkins. and that second, third, and fourth blanket when my fever was acting up and i had chills again.

small things that sparked joy during my time at the hospital: a cup of milk tea brought by a friend. sudden unexpected visit of a friend. soup, brought by relatives. simple, nice chitchat with some of the staff. friends, who really listened to me. and friends, picking up the phone and calling me in those moments when i was feeling really low.

the good news? i have been without fever for a while now. i need to take it easy, but otherwise im slowly getting back on my feet. and i will be going back next week to see the doctor for a checkup.